Based on an idea by David Dykes
One day during a shift, the supervisor called three coworkers — Peter, John, and Dragan — into his office. Peter had been on the job for eleven years, John for four, and Dragan for one. All three liked their work and did their jobs well. Their boss said: “Fellows, the company’s management told me they’re organizing a seminar on how to work more efficiently in our plant, and I think it would be good for you to attend. It isn’t mandatory, so you won’t be paid for taking part. But it could make your work here more pleasant and more rewarding.”
John, who had eleven years of experience, went home and said to his wife: “There’s going to be a seminar that might help us in our work. But I’ve been doing this job for eleven years. What could anyone possibly teach me about improving my skills? Besides, I don’t intend to do anything I won’t get extra pay for. The boss probably felt obligated to invite me, but his real intention was to get my two younger colleagues, who need it more, to attend the seminar — not me.”
Dragan, who had one year of experience, went home and said to his wife: “The boss said they’re organizing a seminar that will help us get better at our jobs. But I’ve already been doing this work for a whole year, and I don’t think there’s anything to improve. The boss is always telling me I’m doing well. It seems to me his invitation was aimed more at the others than at me, and he only invited me too so as not to put the others in an awkward position.”
Peter, the worker with four years of experience, went home and said to his wife: “The boss told us there’s going to be a training seminar that could help us in our work. He told me I’m doing well at my job. Maybe he invited me because he sees some potential in me that I haven’t realized yet. Maybe there’s something in my work that I haven’t fully mastered. What do you say, dear — should I take the time and go to the training, even though I won’t be paid for it?”
His wife answered: “Of course you should go. In the future this could open new doors for you. Who knows what blessings await us along our path in life.”
Of the three coworkers, only Peter went to the seminar. There he learned a few things about new technologies that would soon be introduced. He understood how colleagues at other, similar plants were making their installations run more efficiently, and which of the things they did on their own shift were actually reducing the productivity of their workshop. Three years later their boss retired, and Peter was chosen to be appointed in his place.
A person doesn’t have to be a genius to see that Peter made the right choice when he was given the opportunity to develop himself and improve his qualifications. There is no greater fool than the one who thinks he has learned everything that can be learned. At the end of the nineteenth century someone said that everything that could be discovered had already been discovered. How wrong he was…
In the same way, there are people who are certain they know everything about marriage. Some of us are like John from our example. They say: “I’ve had twenty years of married life. What can anyone teach me about family?” But isn’t it possible that through all those years you’ve been doing something wrong, or that in twenty years something new has come along? Others are like Dragan, the man with one year of experience. They say: “I’ve seen the mistakes older couples make, but that won’t happen in my family.” But very few are like Peter, who, when it comes to marriage, are able to admit: “There are some things I don’t know, others I need to keep learning, and still others I can learn from the successes and failures of others. Maybe there’s something better that I have yet to try in my life.”
Most men are terrified when they’re invited to a family seminar. They automatically begin to think that if they go, it means admitting there’s something wrong with their marriage. And the problem is, they’re right. There is at least one thing wrong in every single family. There’s something wrong not only in the husband, but also in the wife. That is why we must always be open to new knowledge, growth, and change. Burying our heads in the sand like ostriches and pretending that everything is fine when it isn’t will lead to nothing good. It takes courage to humble ourselves and to seek what is best not only for ourselves, but also for our marriage partner.
If you are already open to change, I would like to give you six biblical pieces of advice that would help improve your marriage.
1. Talk Every Day!
Good communication is a mark of a healthy marriage. A breakdown in communication would cause serious problems in any family.
On the internet I read the amusing story of a couple who had this kind of problem, so the husband was subjecting his wife to “the silent treatment.” She joined in the game, so they went several days without speaking to each other. The next morning, however, the man had to get up at 4:30 a.m. because he was going on a business trip. He couldn’t wake up on his own, but he also didn’t want to be the first to say “Sorry” and break the silence. So he wrote a note: “Wake me at 4:30 a.m. so I can catch my train.” The next morning he woke up, looked at the clock, and saw that it was a little past eight. He was furious. He jumped out of bed and was just about to go looking for his wife to vent his anger on her, when he noticed a note stuck to the headboard of his bed. It read: “It’s four thirty. Get up!” That is what a breakdown in communication can do.
For there to be good fellowship, it is very important that we be good listeners. In James 1:19 it says:
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (James 1:19)
Husbands, what your better half needs is a pair of attentive ears. When your wife shares some worry or problem with you, she is expecting to find in you understanding and concern, not necessarily a solution to the problem. Simply listen to her and show her your sympathy.
2. Affirm Your Love for One Another!
In Song of Songs 1:15,16 it says:
15 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. 16 How handsome you are, my beloved! Oh, how charming! (Song of Songs 1:15-16)
Even though they’ve said it and heard it thousands of times, marriage partners need to affirm their love for one another. In Proverbs 16:24 it says:
24 Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:24)
People carry so much sorrow, stress, and pain in their lives. If we can set aside a few seconds of our time to encourage them, it would be for them like a cup of cold water on a hot summer day.
In the musical film “Fiddler on the Roof” there is an interesting scene. In it, a husband and wife named Tevye and Golde have a daughter who is about to be married. And her parents are a little anxious about it. At one point the father comes to the mother and says: “Do you love me?” The woman replies: “What are you talking about?” The husband repeats: “Do you love me?” The woman says: “You’re a fool.” The man says: “I know. But do you love me?” This time the woman answers seriously: “Do I love you? For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes. I’ve cooked your meals. I’ve cleaned your house. I’ve milked the cow. I’ve shared a bed with you. If that isn’t love, then what is?” Then the man says: “So you love me?” The woman replies: “I suppose I do.” And he says: “I suppose I love you too.”
Even though twenty-five years have passed, Tevye still needs to hear the words! He needs to hear “I love you.” Your marriage partner needs this too.
3. Show Your Love in Action!
In 1 John 3:18 it says:
18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. (1 John 3:18)
Once we decide that we will love our marriage partner in action and in truth, what we will discover is that feelings which may have been lost will appear again.
I read about a woman who was not happy in her marriage. So she went to her therapist and told him: “Doctor, I hate my husband. I don’t like the way he treats me. I want to divorce him and hurt him as much as I possibly can.” The doctor answered: “All right, if you really want to hurt him, here’s what you must do. Start showering him with compliments. Tell him you love him. Tell him what a good husband he is. And how, after all these years, you’re glad you married him. Cook him the things he loves most. And after you’ve treated him well for a few months and he starts to think that everything in his family is wonderful, stab him in the back and file for divorce.” The woman did everything the doctor advised her. A few months later she came back to him, and he said to her: “Well, are you ready now to file the divorce papers?” She said: “Divorce? Why would I get a divorce? I love my husband!”
You see, once we have done deeds that show love, our feelings return again. If we decide to show our marriage partner attention and acts of love, we will be surprised how quickly the lost feelings will be restored.
4. Go Out Regularly!
At the beginning of your friendship with your future husband or wife, you probably went out on what we call a “date.” A date is a time we’ve planned in advance to be together and to do things like go to the cinema, to dinner, for a walk, or somewhere else. The main purpose of a “date” is to spend time together.
Do you remember how kind you were to each other when you were courting? You looked forward to the date with excitement and impatience. You dressed in your best clothes and treated one another as well as you possibly could. That is how it should continue to be after the wedding as well. In Proverbs 5:18-19 it says:
…may you rejoice in the wife of your youth… may you ever be intoxicated with her love. (Proverbs 5:18-19)
Here are some practical suggestions regarding dates.
1. Plan them — don’t give your marriage partner the leftovers of your time!
That is exactly what the word “date” means. A day and hour in your schedule that you have mutually agreed on to spend a little personal time together and to be with one another. If you don’t write your dates into your calendar, other people and commitments will fill up your time, and you will discover that the only time you can set aside for your partner is what’s left over after everything else has been swallowed up. Does he or she deserve that?
Here is the second suggestion:
2. Go out on a date just the two of you — don’t take the children with you!
Don’t misunderstand me. Children are important, and we must spend time with them too. Nevertheless, it is important to go out just the two of us — without the children.
One of the greatest problems that people in their forties and fifties face is when their children grow up and leave home. Then the two parents look at each other and say: “Who are you?” They have spent the last twenty or thirty years pouring their lives into their children, and they have not set aside time to cultivate their marriage relationship. It is frightening how many divorces happen precisely among couples whose children have already left home.
The very first of all the institutions God created is marriage. It came before children, before nations, and even before the church. That is why I think the relationship between husband and wife should be the most important human relationship on earth. Of course we love our children in a different way, but our first love should be not for the children, but for our partner.
5. Know That Separation Is Not the Solution to Your Problems!
Divorce is painful, terrible, hard, and so on, but it is never God’s will. In Malachi 2:16 it says:
16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. (Malachi 2:16)
In this whole passage God speaks about how marriage is a holy covenant — a contract between the man and the woman. God is the witness of this covenant. Divorce happens when this covenant or contract is broken. God hates that. In Mark 10:9 is God’s final word on this matter:
9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. (Mark 10:9)
When two people spend so much time together, there cannot help but be “heated” debates. We all have disagreements over certain matters within our families. In the Old Testament we see how God argues with Israel, who is portrayed as His wife (very often even an unfaithful one) (Ezekiel 16). Yet despite everything, God did not allow these disagreements to destroy the “marriage covenant” between Him and His people.
In order to be continually faithful to our partners, we must do two things:
1. Keep our promises to them.
Three times in this passage God warns about unfaithfulness (Malachi 2:14-16).
14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. (Malachi 2:14)
When you got married, you made a promise to your wife that sounded something like this: “I will be with you for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love you and to protect you, till death do us part.” This is a radical promise, because you did not say: “I will stay with you as long as I’m happy and you don’t change and circumstances don’t change.” No, you said: “I will stay with you no matter what happens — I promise!” You made this promise before God and everyone present. So this obligates you to fulfill your promise and to remain with your wife regardless of the change in circumstances. The only thing that puts an end to your promise is the death of your marriage partner.
In 1942 Thornton Wilder wrote a play called “The Skin of Our Teeth.” In it the wife says to her husband: “I didn’t marry you because you were perfect. I didn’t marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise covered all your shortcomings. And the promise I gave you covered mine. Two imperfect people got married, and it was the promise that made the family. And when our children were growing up, it wasn’t the house that protected them; and it wasn’t our love that protected them — it was the promise.”
We should not even give a thought to divorce. We must resolve to keep our promise.
2. Old love is the best love.
If a person divorces, he will never be able to experience the joy of old (transcendent — lying beyond the limits of consciousness, knowledge, and experience) love. There is something special about young or first love, but I am convinced that the best love is old love.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a pastor arrested by the Nazis during the Second World War, who died in a German concentration camp. While he was in prison, he wrote many letters, a great many of which have been preserved. In one such letter, written to a young girl who was planning to be married, he says these beautiful words:
“Is there anything more wonderful in life than a young couple, holding hands with pure hearts, who are about to enter into marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love? Yes, there is something more wonderful. It is the sight of an elderly man and an elderly woman who are about to finish their journey through life together. Their hands are withered, but still clasped one to the other; their faces are wrinkled, but still radiant; their hearts are physically worn and tired, but still strong with their love and devotion to each other. Yes, there is something more wonderful than young love, and that is Old love.”
6. Do Not Let God Be Pushed Out of the Center of Your Family!
In Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 the wise man says:
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
Commenting on these verses in his book “The Marriage Covenant,” the popular Bible teacher Derek Prince says the following: “The three strands of the cord are the man, the woman, and God. The principle that binds them inseparably together is the covenant. What Solomon says about a cord that is braided in this way is still true today — such a cord is not easily broken.”
Derek Prince learned this when, after a family seminar he was conducting in New Zealand, one of the listeners came to him and said: “By profession I make ropes. My job is to braid them from strands. I want to tell you that what you are saying is absolutely true in practice. The strongest rope is the threefold one. This is because the greatest number of strands that can touch one another is three. If you remove one and leave only two, you will obviously weaken the rope. But if you add one more strand and make it four, you add nothing to the strength of the rope, because they no longer all touch one another. If you have a threefold cord, one — or even two — of the strands may be under strain and begin to fray. But as long as the third strand holds, the rope will not break.”
That is exactly how it is in a true Christian marriage. There come times of tension when both partners may begin to weaken and feel that they cannot hold on. But God Himself is the third strand, and He keeps holding on until the tension eases and both spouses are healed and restored.
I don’t know what the statistics are for Bulgaria, but I read that in America 1 in every 3 marriages ends in divorce. At the same time, however, among couples who regularly go to church, 1 in every 105 marriages ends in divorce. And among marriages where they not only attend church together but also pray together, only 1 in every 1,155 marriages ends in divorce. So the spiritual dimension of our relationship is especially important.
Homework
Families, here is your homework:
1. If you have not yet set a time and place where you can talk every day, or at least several times a week — do it!
2. Affirm your love for one another. Tell each other more often that you love each other. Pay each other more compliments.
3. Love each other in action. Take care of one another.
4. Men, plan a few dates with your wife. Never skimp on investing in shared experiences.
5. Remove the word “divorce” from your vocabulary. It is not the solution to your problems.
6. Begin to pray together regularly, and give your all so that you can maintain a constant family communion with the Lord.