Because in February everyone everywhere is talking about love — there are hearts, balloons, teddy bears — we too, in order to keep in step with the times, ought to talk about love. Unlike the way the world speaks of it, our talk about love will be from the vantage point of God’s Word. The picture of love that the world presents is not at all accurate; it is a deceptive picture. The love the world presents is saccharine. According to the world, love is love at first sight — it happens in a single instant. He sees her, she sees him, and something happens — a certain “chemistry.” In that “chemistry” things ignite. Those who fall in love, fall in love. That this shallow, instantaneous love soon fades — that they do not show you in the film. The film ends before the love disappears.
May God help us not to be carried along by the ways of this world (Ephesians 2:2). The world says: “I see her, the chemistry happens, we’re together, and right away we have sex.” Not to mention that the Bible calls this “sexual immorality,” because the Bible calls sex outside marriage sin. Sex is the mark of marriage. It belongs behind the doors of the home. It is to be holy. The marriage bed is to be kept pure (Hebrews 13:4). Sex outside the marriage bed is sin. But the world says: “No, everything begins with this; everything begins with sex.” Films show this over and over. They do not teach you how to have a good family. Unlike the world, God’s Word teaches us truth, goodness, and wisdom.
We need to know what God’s Word says, so that we will know what to do when we feel nothing toward the person sleeping in our bed. We need to know how to keep the family going, how to keep on being together. We will look at several passages from God’s Word that lay down the basic principles for the relationship between husband and wife in the family.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SEXES (Matthew 19:3-9)
The first thing we need to know and remember — because many problems start right here — is that there are two sexes. There is a male sex and there is a female sex. You are either a man or a woman. The difference between the sexes is enormous. It does not consist merely in the way we go to the bathroom. It lies in the way our brains function, in the way we think and feel about life.
In Matthew 19:3-9 we read an interesting scene:
3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” (Matthew 19:3)
What a question! It means they had already made up their minds to divorce. They say: “for any and every reason.” It is enough for the husband to hand his wife “a certificate of divorce” (v.7) and he may send her away. Jesus, however, did not think so.
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’…” (Matthew 19:4)
Adam was a man; Eve was a woman. Every person has a sex. Some of us are men, some are women. With each of the sexes things are different. Because we are different, that is where the problems begin, for we think in different ways.
Usually women love and like everything to be pink and colorful. From the time they are little, their mothers dress them in pink clothes. Women think differently from men. For example, they are very good at noticing details. When they look at something, they immediately see the little spot, they see the detail, they notice what is different, while men look at the big picture, taking a general view of things.
Women want to know the particulars. For example, suppose you have boys and they come home from school. You ask them: “How was school today?” They say: “Fine.” One word. For the father that is enough. But is that enough for the mother? No. She wants to know the details. “What happened?” “Who did you meet?” “What did he say to you?” “What did you say back to him?” — every detail. When women friends sit down and start talking, they explain everything to one another. With men it is not like that. We drink coffee and talk about general things.
Women think intuitively. They know from the very start what is going to happen, while a man has to reason it all out, he has to think. We men are great thinkers and weighers. A wife already knows it from the very beginning, so, wives, you have to be patient with your husbands until they arrive at what you already know.
Men, too, must be patient with women, because the Word says that women are more fragile. Men are physically stronger and more durable, so if there is a war, who goes to war? When something has to be done that requires physical strength, wives send their husbands. In many respects, however, women are stronger than men. On average, statistically, who lives longer, men or women? Women live longer than men, so they are stronger when it comes to longevity. And who gives birth? We men not only cannot, we do not even want to give birth. Let the women give birth…
Because as man and woman we are different, problems with communication in the family begin. It often happens that a certain man loves a certain woman, yet does not show it to her in the way she wants and expects. And when he does not show it to her in that way, she thinks he does not love her. When she thinks he does not love her, she begins to quarrel with him, to shout and to behave in a way that shows something is wrong. When the wife gets on edge and begins to show it, the husband in turn begins to think that she does not respect him, does not honor him. When he decides that she does not honor him, he shuts himself up inside. He says to himself: “So that we don’t come to blows, I’d better keep quiet, because I might end up hitting her — things will get out of control and she’ll accuse me of domestic violence.” But when he falls silent, she thinks all the more that he does not love her. And so we enter a cycle in which love disappears and nothing is as it should be in the family.
As men and women, we are different. This is the first thing we must know when it comes to love between a man and a woman. But thank God that we are different. Because if we were the same, that would be a nightmare! Why do I need her if she is just like me? I do not want another Simeon in my family; there would be far too many of us… I need Deyana, because she completes me, because she is what I am not. And in the same way the wife needs the husband, because he has something she does not have.
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?” (Matthew 19:4-5)
When you are a child — and this goes for those who are not yet married as well — you live with mom and dad and you are fine. Mom loves you, you receive love. Dad loves you, he cares for you. You have brothers and sisters, you live in that family setting and you feel great. But at some point you sense that something is missing, you want someone of the opposite sex, and then you begin to look for that person. At some point you come together, and when you come together you become no longer two, but, as God’s Word says, “one flesh.”
6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. (Matthew 19:6)
When two people come together in a family, this is something God does. Every single family is God’s institution, God’s work. It is joined together by God. That is why it says a person is “not to separate” it — that is, they are never to part.
Jesus said that the cause of divorce is our “hardness of heart,” and that the sin of divorce is equal to the sin of adultery.
7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:7-9)
Why does the question of divorce come up? Because we are different. And because we are different, at the beginning we may love each other, but afterward we realize that, for some reason, from our point of view, he or she stops being what they were when we fell in love. He has his own interests, she has her own interests; we are both egoists. Each thinks only of himself, and at some point we begin to speak different languages. He is at work, she is at work, and they spend less and less time together. Things can reach the point where we can no longer stand each other.
But this is like being surprised that there are storms at sea. You have to know that there are storms at sea. Imagine you decide to become a sailor. You build yourself a ship and set out to sea in it. At first there is a favorable wind, the sea is smooth, the ship glides pleasantly over the water. But then a storm begins, the wind turns against you, and you lose control of the ship. What will you do in such a situation? Will you jump off the ship, or will you stay on it? Are you better off in the stormy ocean or on the ship? When you are out at sea, it is better on the ship. Even when there is a storm and the ship is being tossed out of control, it is better to be on the ship than in the raging waves.
It is the same with marriage and with the family. You must know — even you who are young and hopelessly romantic — be romantic, this is your time, but know that it will not always be this way. At some point in the development of a love relationship the romance fades. When the romance is gone, must we go on loving each other? We must go on loving each other. The challenge is to keep loving each other when the romance is not there — not to part, but to find a way to set the wheel of love turning again between us.
INSTRUCTIONS TO HUSBANDS AND WIVES (Ephesians 5:22-33)
Because men and women are different, in Ephesians chapter 5 the apostle Paul gives instructions separately to the husbands (Ephesians 5:25-33) and separately to the wives (Ephesians 5:22-24). If men and women were the same, there would have been no need to say, “Wives, do such and such…” and “Husbands, do such and such…” He would have spoken one word, the same instructions for both sexes. But the apostle Paul says different things to the husbands and different things to the wives. Why? Because they are different.
How do we set the wheel of love turning? I believe that when a conflict arises in the family, it can be resolved if the wives begin to do what God’s Word tells them to do, and the husbands begin to do what God’s Word tells them to do. The problem is that we do exactly the opposite. When we get angry and have a conflict in the family, the husband says: “She doesn’t listen to me; she ought to listen to me — if she listens to me, I’ll love her.” The wife says: “He doesn’t love me, so why should I listen to him?” She says, “He doesn’t love me,” and he says, “She doesn’t listen to me.” The husband needs his wife to listen to him, to be submissive to him, but the initiative for this must not be his but hers — the husband is not to demand it of her; rather she is to decide to submit to him. The husband, for his part, must do what is required of him, namely, to love her, regardless of the way she treats him.
INSTRUCTIONS TO WIVES (Ephesians 5:22-24)
In his instructions, the apostle Paul begins with the wives. Why? Perhaps because they are more important for setting the wheel of love turning.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)
This is God’s Word. To understand it, we must know what is characteristic of the Christian family. What is the difference between a Christian family and a non-Christian family? The difference is that in the Christian family Jesus Christ is at the center of the family. In Ecclesiastes 4:12 it says that “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). What is the third strand in the “threefold cord”? One is the husband, the other is the wife, and the third is Christ. When the apostle Paul speaks of the relationships of believers, he always includes Christ in them.
If you read further on in the letter, you will see that this holds true not only for family relationships but also for relationships in the workplace. What is the difference between a Christian worker and a non-Christian worker? The Christian worker works for the Lord. The Christian employer, for his part, must care for his workers as God’s steward over them. In Ephesians 6:9 it says:
9 And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him. (Ephesians 6:9)
So this applies not only in the family but also at work. If we are Christians, Christ must be with us in everything, and He must be with us in the family too. That is why it says: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands,” and it continues, “as you do to the Lord.” It is the Lord who makes Christian families unshakable. The fact that the Lord is present in our relationships ought to motivate us to carry out the apostolic instructions even when we meet no response from the other side. Even if your spouse does not return your kindness, you must go on showing it to them, because you are showing it first of all for the Lord’s sake. Doing things “for the Lord’s sake” is a truly powerful motive. It may be hard for us, but we can do it. If we do not do it, the problems will only deepen and go on.
In the following verses the apostle Paul gives an argument, a proof, of why the wife is to submit to her husband “in everything.”
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:23-24)
As men and women, even though we are different, we are equal. Man and woman are equal in their humanity in the same way that the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are equal in their divinity. Despite their equality in divinity, the different persons of the Trinity submit to one another. The Son submits to the Father. In the same way, even though wives are equal to their husbands, in the family wives are to submit to their husbands “for the Lord’s sake.” This is hard, but such is God’s will.
INSTRUCTIONS TO HUSBANDS (Ephesians 5:25-33)
What is required of husbands is even harder. “Husbands, love your wives.” Husbands, love your wives. This is very hard for a man. For a woman it is hard to submit, but it is easy for her to love. A woman loves. If you are a child and you get lost in the mall or in the park and do not know what to do, look around, and if you see a mother with two children, run to her — she will help you. If you see a man, he might be a crook, he might be a criminal, he might kidnap you, he might panic and not know what to do; but a mother with two children will never do you any harm. She is full of love. Around her is a place of safety and peace. For mothers it is easy to love. For women it is easy to love. (The trouble is that, because they have so much love, sometimes they fall in love with more than one man, so they have to limit their love and be faithful to their own husband.) But women — they are full of love.
We men are not like that. We can give honor, we can show respect. When we go into the army, they teach us to salute. We men are people of honor, of respect, but that much love we simply do not have. Notice the apostle’s exact words. Women are not told to love their husbands. That is strange. Why are they not told to love their husbands? Paul knows that they have no problem with love — it is in their nature. What they do have is a problem with submission and respect. It is hard for them to submit, because they always want things to go the way they want. That is why God’s instructions to them are: “You submit.”
The instructions to husbands are not to submit to their wives. For them that would be easy. For men, submission is easy; what is hard for them is to love. That is why the very thing that is hard is required of them: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church” (v.25). The standard for a husband’s love toward his wife is extraordinarily high. Husbands, we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. What does that mean? That you must sacrifice yourself for her. Very hard… “Why should I sacrifice myself for her? She won’t submit to me, and I’m supposed to sacrifice…” But for Christ’s sake you must be ready to sacrifice yourself for her.
Then it says what Christ did for the church (v.25-27).
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:25-27)
If you look at the church today — is it perfect? It is not perfect. We are all unworthy sinners. Do we return to Christ the love with which He loved us? Partly, or rather, not at all. But does He go on loving us? Yes. Does He keep sending His Word to cleanse and transform us again and again? Yes. Christ serves us all the time. Even after giving His life for us, He goes on loving us and serving us. So we husbands, too, must love our wives and serve them. This is what will move them toward their own growth.
We are obliged to love our wives as our own bodies. It is interesting that the passage for the wives is three verses, from verse 22 to verse 24, while the passage for the husbands is eight verses — from verse 25 to verse 33. It is as though men need more convincing to grasp that they must love their wives with an unreserved and unconditional love. Love for our wife is love for our very selves.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— (Ephesians 5:28-29)
The husband’s problem is that at some point he says to himself: “Well, I take care of her, I work, I go to my job, I bring home money. There’s your money — cook, eat. Since I’ve brought money home, I’ve already fully done my duty to the family.” But for women this is not nearly enough. Why is it not enough? Because they speak “another language.” For a woman it is not enough to give her money and say to yourself: “Since I’ve been to work, I can now sit down on the couch and open my newspaper or my tablet, turn on the TV and be respected, have someone make me a salad and supper.” Money, of course, is necessary. But a woman wants something more. What? Romance. The husband must take one more step and begin to speak her language. For us men this is very hard, and we do not feel like it at all. We know what we ought to do, but we do not feel like doing it, because it takes effort.
For example, if you want to show your wife that you love her, you say to her: “Let’s go out somewhere.” She says: “All right, where shall we go? You choose!” You say: “No, you choose.” In the end you choose, but she does not like the place and says: “How could you take me there?!” Then you have a quarrel. Why? Because you say to yourself: “I want to show you that I love you, and I’m giving you the chance to choose where you want to go,” but she says to herself: “If he doesn’t know where I want to go, then he doesn’t love me at all. If he loved me, he would know where I want to go and wouldn’t ask me; he’d simply make a reservation at the place I love.” Is that so? It is not so. It is simply that the husband loves her but is not ready to take the extra step and think about how to make things romantic. We are talking about the fact that the husband must do something more than merely care for and feed “his own body,” just as Christ does the church.
30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:30-33)
This is the conclusion of the whole exhortation to husbands and wives. “However, each one of you.” There is no exception — “each one of you” — no one is left out. “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.” The husband is to love, and the wife is to “respect her husband.” This “respect” does not mean to be afraid of him, but to esteem him, to honor him. It is hard for a wife to “respect her husband,” because when she looks at what he is like, she thinks she is something more than he is. But if you want love to exist in God’s way, you may think you are more than he is, yet you must honor him, you must respect him, and you must do it in such a way that he sees it and feels it. That will certainly not happen through shouting, grumbling, and nagging.
HOW DO WE BREAK OUT OF THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF RESENTMENT?
What sets the wheel of love turning in the family is the husband’s love for the wife and the wife’s respect for the husband. When the husband does not show enough love to the wife, the wife feels unloved, and then she begins to withhold respect from him, she begins to despise him. When we quarrel, women may not use physical violence, but they are very good at verbal violence, at violence with words. When they are provoked, women begin to talk. They open one “big mouth” and start pouring out all the bad and humiliating words that come into their heads. Afterward they are sorry, but in their anger they begin to speak, and that speech is full of contempt: “You’re this, you’re that, you’re this…” (“Goodness, if I really am like that, I’d better go and shoot myself!”) This is of course very unpleasant, but it should not knock us down; rather it should show us that it is time to change something in our attitude and behavior toward our wife. Through shouting and quarreling women express their sense of a lack of love. They do not mean everything they say; with their stormy reaction they are simply telling the husband: “Show me that you love me! I’m not sure of your love. Show me your love in a better way!”
Unfortunately the husband does not understand when he is spoken to with contempt, and he says to himself: “She won’t submit to me, she doesn’t love me, doesn’t respect me — how am I supposed to love her then?!” The husband pounds the table, says, “I am the man!” — but that does not help. And so we spin around in the cycle of resentment, which is a closed circle in which we can go round and round and quarrel all the time. If we want to get out of the prison of this cursed cycle, one of the two must begin to do what God tells him to do. And that is for “the husband to love his wife.” She may do whatever she wants, but the husband has the power to decide to love her regardless of her reactions to him. If we show them that we love them, our wives will melt and change. And the wife, for her part, if she shows respect to her husband even though he does not deserve it, will melt his heart, and he will begin to love her.
THE POWER OF WIVES TO CHANGE THEIR HUSBANDS (1 Peter 3:1-6)
In 1 Peter 3:1-6 the apostle Peter speaks of the power of wives to change their husbands:
1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. (1 Peter 3:1-2)
Wives have the power to make their husband love them. How? By making him see that they live in “purity and reverence.” What does “reverence” mean? Respect. If a husband sees that his wife respects him and shows him respect, that she honors him, that she reveres him, as it is put, that she holds him in honor, he cannot help but love her. Even if he does not love her, he will simply begin to love her.
With Paul, the exhortations to the husbands are longer than those to the wives. With the apostle Peter it is the other way around — he devotes six verses to the wives and only one to the husbands. In this passage he goes on to speak of the moral adornment of women, and he mentions Sarah, who submitted to Abraham and called him “lord.”
3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. (1 Peter 3:3-6)
Sarah showed such respect to Abraham that she called him “my lord.” We do not ask this of you, wives, but Peter’s point is that Sarah had such an attitude toward her husband that it made him love her. When Abraham felt respected, he could not help but love Sarah. When she lifted him up, he lifted her up as well. When she called him “my lord,” he called her “my princess” (Genesis 17:15).
WHO WILL GO FIRST?
The husband has the power to set the wheel of love turning in the family, and the wife has the power to set the wheel of love turning in the family. But we do not feel like doing this, because we are egoists and we do what we ourselves want. Yet when the conflict arises, one of us must be the first to break the trap of the vicious circle of resentment and set the wheel of love turning. The husband says: “If she starts honoring me, then I’ll start loving her.” But she says: “Until he shows me his love, I won’t start showing him respect.” What happens when neither is willing to go first? We stay in the vicious circle of quarrels and squabbles. Who will be the first to begin submitting to God’s instructions and carrying them out for the Lord’s sake? The one who feels more spiritually mature will begin.
What do you say? You don’t like this. If you, as a wife, feel more mature than your husband, more spiritually mature, loving Christ more, begin to honor your husband and to submit to him, even though you do not get what you expect. If you, as a husband, are not getting what you expect, you be the first to begin. Think of ways to show her that she is loved. Because if you succeed in showing her that she is loved — and in her own love language — that will set the wheel of love turning.
There are different love languages. One is “words.” You speak words to her; she needs to hear words. Another love language is gifts. If this is her language — give her a gift. When you give her a gift, she “has nowhere to go” — it will produce love for you in her. Or again, if her language is acts of service, think about how to serve her. Deyana’s love language is acts of service. My love language is not service, which is why I have trouble in this area. My love language is touch. I want to be touched by her. But if I want to show my wife that I love her, I know what I have to do — I will not touch her; instead I will do something for her. I have to serve her in some way — for example, get up early and go to the bakery, buy her a warm pastry and make her coffee with milk. If I want to make her love me, it is very easy… When she comes home from work, I know her feet ache. When I rub her feet, for her that is more than sex, and she begins to love me even more. A woman needs you to show her that you love her, that you care for her, and to do it in her own love language. This will set the wheel of love turning in the family, and she will begin to show you esteem and respect.
CONCLUSION
We are different, and this is a good thing. Sometimes our emotional tank can run dry, but we have the power to change things. We have the power to preserve our families, and we must act in the way God tells us to. He must be first for us. If we begin to do what He tells us, we will be amazed at the change in the climate of the family; we will marvel at the love that will return.
If we want to have a good family, let the husbands show love to their wives, as Christ did — unreservedly, sacrificially. Let the wives, for their part, honor their husbands as unto Christ, placing themselves in a position of humility. Let them simply know: I may be more than he is, but I will humble myself and place myself in a lower position than his. If husbands love their wives as Christ does, and wives submit to and honor their husbands as unto Christ — if we do these simple things, we will have strong families.
PRAYER
God, we thank You for Your Word. May it work in us. Give us a desire to study Your Word; to study these passages we have read from Matthew chapter 19, from Ephesians chapter 5, from 1 Peter chapter 3, where it speaks of husbands and wives. God, grant us understanding, and let that understanding come from Your Word. May we not be ignorant, but be aware of the differences, aware of the subtleties in family relationships.
Help us to live wisely and prudently, and to have strong and loving families. In these families may we have children who learn to honor You and to live for You, because You look for a godly offspring. And so we ask You to be with the young people as well. Grant them to understand that it is important to keep themselves pure for the one they will love, to keep their virginity and to give it to the one You will give them. For the family is a covenant, and in this covenant we desire to have what You desire.
Lord, You give good gifts. You desire that we be blessed. Give us Your love, Your blessing, Your joy, and make us to be in a position in which we have everything we need and from which we can give to others — to counsel them, to help them, and to be an example to them. In the name of Jesus. Amen!