Eros, Storge, Philia, Agape
Paul wrote, “Love must be sincere” (Romans 12:9). To love truly, honestly, and without pretense is to love the right person, in the right way, at the right time. What that means can be seen in the four different words the Greek language uses to express love. In this respect Greek is far richer and far more precise than our own tongue. When our language moves away from the single idea of “love,” it reaches for much weaker words like “liking,” “attachment,” “fondness,” or “friendship.” We do not want to lean on the one word love to cover the astonishing range of situations and relationships—from the deepest and hardest to understand, down to the most worldly and pagan. The Greeks, however, had a clearer concept of the four different kinds of love and of the proper use of each one. Without that light, a person may love another in the wrong way, and so wound them both.
The four kinds of love are: eros, storge, philia, and agape.
EROS — SENSUAL LOVE
Eros does not appear in the New Testament, probably because in the Greek world it had become debased, drifting toward the notes of immorality and sexual sin. Yet at its heart eros describes the deep, passionate, sensual love that can exist between a man and a woman.
In Christianity eros is permitted only between husband and wife; but within that relationship it is wholly fitting and altogether desirable. Erotic pleasure in marriage is a gift from God, and it may be freely explored in all its dimensions, all its delights tasted with gladness and joy. A husband and his wife ought to feel free to be enchanted by their love for one another, to give themselves to each other in eros, and to give and receive from one another all the happiness their passion can raise.
Biblical references for eros:
23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:23-25)
8 When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelek king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. 9 So Abimelek summoned Isaac and said, “She is really your wife! Why did you say, ‘She is my sister’?” Isaac answered him, “Because I thought I might lose my life on account of her.” (Genesis 26:8-9)
5 If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married. (Deuteronomy 24:5)
18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. (Proverbs 5:18-19)
Eros is beautifully portrayed in Solomon’s Song of Songs, which is in fact a series of poems celebrating the love between a man and a woman, including erotic love. Here is a poetic description of a first wedding night:
16 Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. 1 I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk. Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love. (Song of Songs 4:16-5:1)
3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. (1 Corinthians 7:3-6)
4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4)
From all these references we see that God is not against sex. On the contrary, He is for it. Otherwise He would not have made us sexual beings. But God is for sex so long as it is kept within certain bounds—the bounds of the family. Eros outside of marriage is strictly forbidden. Every expression of eros beyond the boundaries of marriage is marked by Scripture as sin. No wife should dare to look at any man other than her husband with eros. Nor may a man or a woman look at another of the same sex with eros. Nor may a father feel eros toward his daughter, or a sister toward her brother, or a mother toward her son.
The punishment for undisciplined eros is severe and unavoidable, not only for the individual but for society. A community that permits unrestrained displays of eros, that allows forbidden (extramarital) sexual relationships, that laughs at the biblical categories of immorality, curses itself. It recklessly destroys its own soul and undermines its own foundations. No society that has let the sexual energies of its people slip out of control, or that has encouraged unbridled sensuality, has ever survived in strength.
There are many biblical references declaring that eros may be freely expressed only within marriage; and even there it must remain subject to the laws of mutual respect, tenderness, and restraint. But one passage in particular underscores the seriousness with which Christ treated this matter—Matthew 5:27-30:
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. (Matthew 5:27-30)
The laws of God are neither capricious nor arbitrary. If Christ assures us that it is better to be blind than to have a lustful eye, He does so not to lay senseless chains on human pleasure, but because He understands how deeply eros is bound to every fiber of our being. He knows that erotic license will in the end bring a person grief far more bitter than amputation or blindness. Christ would spare us that pain.
But let me say it again: in marriage, and especially in Christian marriage, husband and wife may discover the highest pleasure in one another’s bodies, and they are given freedom by God to explore whatever path of erotic delight they desire and to take joy in it.
STORGE — FAMILY LOVE
Storge is family affection—the attachment of parents to their children and of children to their parents, and the attachment of the children in a family to one another. Like the word “eros,” the word “storge” does not appear in the New Testament. What we do find in the New Testament are various compound words that contain “storge.”
One is philostorgos—brotherly love (Romans 12:10):
10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)
The Christian community is not merely an ordinary society; it is a loving family. On this William Barclay says:
“We are to love one another with brotherly love. The word Paul uses for love is ‘philostorgos,’ and ‘storge’ is the Greek word for family love. We are to love one another because we are members of one family. We are not strangers and foreigners to one another in the Christian church; still less are we isolated units; we are brothers and sisters to one another, because we have one Father, God Himself. The Christian church is not a collection of acquaintances; it is not even a gathering of friends; it is the family of God.” (William Barclay, The Daily Study Bible, “Romans,” p. 177. The Saint Andrews Press, Edinburgh, 1962.)
Here is what some commentators also say about this passage, which shows that the Christian community is not merely an ordinary society but a loving family. Albert Barnes, for example, says:
“The word used here does not occur elsewhere in the New Testament. It aptly expresses a tender affection, such as exists between parents and children; and it means that Christians ought to have similar feelings toward one another, as belonging to one family and united in the same principles and interests.” (Albert Barnes, Notes on the New Testament, p. 644. Kregel Publications, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1966.)
When teaching Timothy how to treat the various people in the church, the apostle Paul charges him (1 Timothy 5:1):
1 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2)
Another commentator, Matthew Henry, says this about brotherly love:
“Philostorgos carries the sense not only of love, but of a readiness and inclination to love, the most sincere, unfeigned, and free affection, kindness pouring out as from a spring. It aptly expresses the love of parents to their children, which, as it is the tenderest, is also the most natural of all, unforced and unconstrained; such should our love be to one another, and such it will be where there is the new nature and the law of love is written on the heart. This kind of affection sets us to express ourselves both in word and deed with the greatest courtesy and duty that can be… And what can be sweeter on this side of heaven than to love and to be loved? He who waters shall himself be watered.” (Matthew Henry’s Commentary, Vol. 6, “Acts to Revelation,” p. 461. Marshall, Morgan, and Scott, London, 1953.)
PHILIA — THE LOVE OF FRIENDSHIP
Philia is the love of deep friendship. It carries the sense of a strong attachment to someone or something. It is full of warmth and affection.
The word “philia” by itself appears only once in the New Testament—in James 4:4:
4 You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship (philia) with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. (James 4:4)
This contrast of friendship (“philia”) with “enmity” shows the intensity that philia can carry.
Another noun related to philia is philos, which is often translated “friend” (about thirty times). Philos means someone (or something) very dear to one’s affection. It is found in John 15:13:
13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. (John 15:13)
It is also found in 3 John 1:14:
14 I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face. 15 Peace to you. The friends here send their greetings. Greet the friends there by name. (3 John 1:14-15)
It is clear that Christians are expected to have philia toward one another. We may say that, in the Christian world, philia expresses two things:
(i) warm friendship and fellowship, the pleasure of one another’s company, the joy of communion that all Christians ought to share with each other.
(ii) the deeper attachment that belongs to special friendships—and this is the more fitting use of the word. In essence, philia expresses an intensity of emotion that surpasses the idea of ordinary or everyday friendship. This depth of feeling is shown by the way philia stands in contrast to hatred, and by the way it is bound up with a kiss and with the supreme sacrifice one friend can make for another. Christian love, then, ought to contain a strong and ardent attachment, a friendship that forges a mighty unity.
Compound words that include philia:
- philagathos — loving what is good (virtue)
- philadelphos — brotherly love
- philandros — love for one’s husband
- philanthropos — love for humanity (benevolence)
- philarguros — love of money
- philedonos — love of pleasure
- philotheos — love of God… and many others
In every case this is a noun bearing the sense of a kind of love that binds the one who loves to the object of his affection. In this sense philia is a stronger word than storge. As David loved Jonathan above all his friends; and among the Twelve Jesus loved Peter, James, and John most of all; and even among those three, He loved John most (compare John 20:2).
In 1 Samuel 18:1 it says:
1 After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. (1 Samuel 18:1)
This is philia. And in my view such a deep love of friendship ought to exist only between men, or only between women, and only among believers. For if such a strong friendship develops between a believer and an unbeliever, the believer will undoubtedly be seriously influenced.
One passage that cannot be fully understood without grasping the difference between philia and agape is John 21:15-17. Here, when Jesus asks Peter about his love for Him, the first two times He uses the word “agapas me,” and Peter answers “philo se.” The third time Jesus asks, “phileis me?” And again Peter answers, “philo se.” After his threefold denial Peter is more humble, and he cannot bend his soul to say that he loves Jesus “more than all the others,” nor can he say that he loves Him with “divine love.” But he is sure within himself that he loves Him as a friend.
15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” 16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” 17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. (John 21:15-17)
AGAPE — DIVINE LOVE
Unlike the other kinds of love, agape is unconditional love. It loves even when there is no reason to. Agape is the most familiar word used in the New Testament to describe love as a Christian grace. It appears as a noun nearly 120 times and as a verb (agapao) more than 130 times.
The surprising thing about agape is that it was not very popular with the classical Greek writers. In fact, it was used so rarely that at one time it was even thought to be a new word coined by the early church to describe the new kind of love that God created for humanity through Christ. Now, however, it is known that agape was an ordinary Greek word, and instances of its use have been found in ancient writings. But it remained an unremarkable word until the early Christians took hold of it and ennobled it by using it to express that incredible love which is a uniquely Christian grace.
Answering the question, “Why agape and not some other word?” William Barclay says:
“It is true to say that all the other words had certain associations that made them unsuitable. ‘Eros’ had a fairly defined connection with the lower side of love; it was much more bound up with the passions than with love. ‘Storge’ had a very definite connection with family affection; it never had the breadth that the concept of Christian love requires. The great reason why Christian thought settled on ‘agape’ is that ‘agape’ demands the exercise of the whole person. Christian love must not reach only to those nearest and dearest to us, our kin, our loved ones, our friends and acquaintances—those who love us; Christian love must extend to the Christian fellowship, to our neighbor, to our brother, to the whole world. Now, all the ordinary words for love are words that express emotion. They are words bound up with the heart. They express the experience that comes to us unsought and somehow unavoidably. We cannot help loving our kin, our loved ones, and our relatives; blood is thicker than water. We speak of falling in love. This kind of love is no achievement; it is something that happens to us and that we cannot help. There is no special virtue in falling in love. It is something we do consciously and deliberately very little or not at all; it simply happens. ‘Agape,’ however, is far more than that.”
Eros, storge, and philia are more or less unintentional. They simply happen. They rest on some natural or instinctive attraction. They are selective. We easily love some and do not love others. Because of this, no special virtue attaches to them, and no reward comes from them except the joy inherited in loving and being loved. For this reason eros, storge, and philia cannot be commanded. Since they deal with instincts and emotions given freely without request, we cannot be told to feel eros, storge, or philia toward someone, still less toward everyone. The essence of these three kinds of love is a “liking” of the person loved. But we cannot be commanded to “like” all people, because there are many who are repugnant and repellent to us. Even Christ Himself did not “like” all people. There were those for whom He had no affection—on the contrary, they filled Him with disdain (compare Matthew 23:13-33; Luke 13:31-32). He called them “hypocrites,” “blind guides,” “fools and blind,” “snakes,” and “brood of vipers.”
So the other kinds of love—eros, storge, and philia—cannot be commanded. Agape, however, can. For it rises not from unbidden emotions in the heart, but from an act of the will. It is the triumph of the will over mere emotion. On this William Barclay says further:
“‘Agape’ has to do with the mind: it is not simply an emotion that rises unbidden in our hearts. It is a principle by which we deliberately live. Agape has to do primarily with the will. It is a victory, a conquest, an achievement. No one ever naturally loved his enemies. To love our enemies is a conquest of all our natural inclinations and emotions. This agape, this Christian love, is not merely an emotional experience that comes to us unbidden and unsought; it is a deliberate principle of the mind and a deliberate conquest and achievement of the will. It is in fact the power to love the unlovable, to love people we do not like. Christianity does not ask us to love our enemies and people in general in the same way as we love our nearest and dearest and those closest to us; that would be at once impossible and wrong. It does, however, require us to have at all times a certain attitude of mind and a certain direction of the will toward all people, no matter who they are. Then what is the meaning of this agape? The most significant passage for interpreting the meaning of agape is Matthew 5:43-48. We are commanded to love our enemies. Why? So that we may be like God. And what is the typical action of God that is quoted? God sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous, on the good and the evil. This tells us—whatever a person may be, God seeks nothing but his highest good. Let the man be a saint or let him be a sinner. God’s only desire is for that man’s highest good. Now, this is agape love. Agape is the spirit that says: ‘No matter what any person does to me, I will take care never to harm him; I will never seek revenge; I will never seek anything but his highest good.’ This, so to speak, is Christian love, agape, invincible benevolence, unconquerable goodwill.”
How are we to love with agape? Everyone who has agape must be born of God—for without the new birth no one can experience agape. Such a person may know about agape, but he cannot possibly possess it or live it. In 1 John 4:7-8 it says:
7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:7-8)
Christian love is the product of the Holy Spirit’s ministry in the life of the believer, for this is His task—to pour out God’s love into the hearts of people (Romans 5:5).
By definition, an enemy is one you do not love! As William Barclay says, the biblical command to love our enemies runs contrary to every natural instinct. How can you love those who hate you, who would use you, who speak bitterly against you? You cannot! Not on your own! But the Holy Spirit fills us with the love of God through Christ. In His divine grace we can readily love all people, whether friends or foes, good or evil. We are commanded to give ourselves over to this love, to resolve not merely to refrain from harming anyone, but actively and positively to seek to do good to every person.
Verses that command agape:
10 This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not God’s child, nor is anyone who does not love their brother and sister. (1 John 3:10)
14 We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death. (1 John 3:14)
18 Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. (1 John 3:18)
21 And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. (1 John 4:21)
But remember: the love the apostle speaks of is agape, and agape has nothing to do with emotion; it is entirely bound up with the will. You do not feel agape; you deliberately will to do it. It is an attitude and an action that has nothing at all to do with whether or not you like a particular person! You may be utterly empty of philia toward your neighbor, and yet you must be full of agape toward him.
In summary:
- Toward your marriage partner you ought to be generous in eros;
- for your family, including the family of God in the church, you ought to have storge;
- for the special friends God has given you — philia;
- but for everyone — and especially for the brothers — the Lord commands you to express His divine benevolence and love for humanity, which is agape.