Matthew 5:9
In His “Sermon on the Mount,” the Lord Jesus said (Matthew 5:9):
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. (Matthew 5:9)
He did not say that the peace-loving are happy, or the peaceful, or those who have peace. But He said that those who create and make peace will be called children of God. Peacemaking is not running away from a problem; it is not passivity or resignation. It is the search for a resolution to the conflicts that arise. God is the greatest peacemaker. He reconciled us to Himself. And this reconciliation was so important to Him that in order to achieve it He sacrificed His only begotten Son. In this God left us an example — an example that the initiative for resolving a conflict must be ours.
In my pastoral practice I constantly run into conflicts — conflicts of every kind. That is why over the years I have paid close attention to teaching on this subject. I have looked for a procedure to follow when a conflict arises, and now I want to share with you what I have arrived at. The principles I will share have been tested in real life, and I am sure that if you take them to heart and begin to apply them in your relationships, you will see more and more conflicts resolved — which means more and more victories over the devil.
CONFLICTS — A WEAPON OF SATAN
Conflicts are one of Satan’s most powerful weapons. The Apostle Paul knew this very well. That is why in 2 Corinthians 2:10-11 he wrote:
10 Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven — if there was anything to forgive — I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, 11 in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. (2 Corinthians 2:10-11)
The Apostle Paul did not want the conflict that had arisen to keep being used by Satan to destroy the work of God. So he did everything possible for the problem to be resolved — he forgave so that unity could be restored.
Satan’s tactic is “Divide and conquer!” When Jesus was casting out demons, the Pharisees accused Him of doing it “by the prince of demons.” Then Jesus explained to them (Luke 11:17):
Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall. (Luke 11:17)
In other words, demonic rulers would not fight against their own colleagues. Satan’s kingdom is not divided. Sadly, we cannot say the same about the church. Division against itself is destructive. In Galatians 5:15 the Apostle Paul says:
If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. (Galatians 5:15)
And the interesting thing is that it is not the great conflicts that destroy and topple the church. What does the damage is the small conflicts. They are like reusable landmines. The same things keep surfacing again and again. Because of them people stop speaking to one another, gossip about each other, quit their ministry, and so on.
WE ARE NOT WORSE BECAUSE WE HAVE CONFLICTS
Where do we go wrong? Why are there so many conflicts in the church? We take it for granted that the church is God’s community of love and that there simply should not be any conflicts in it. So when they appear, we try to ignore them. We act like ostriches that, when they see danger, bury their head in the sand. But that is no solution.
We have to change our thinking. Conflicts are inevitable. They are part of fallen humanity. They are present in the church too. The Bible is full of accounts of conflict. It begins with a conflict — the one between God and Satan, between God and Adam. Then the conflict around Babel, the conflict between Abraham and Lot, Sarah and Hagar, Jacob and Laban, Joseph and his brothers, David and Saul, and so on. In the New Testament we also read of many conflicts — between Jesus and the Pharisees, and among the disciples themselves. Further on in the epistles we read of the conflicts of the Corinthians, the dispute between Peter and Paul, the tension between Euodia and Syntyche, and so on.
We are not worse because we have conflicts. Conflict is part of the sinful world in which we live. Conflict is something natural to the condition we are in. In itself it is not a mark of spiritual failure. Spiritual defeat happens when we fail to handle the conflict in the right way.
Before we move on to the actual procedure for resolving conflicts, I would like us to pause for a moment on the anatomy of a conflict.
THE ANATOMY OF A CONFLICT
Every conflict follows the same cycle. Its phases are the same. Only their duration differs.
1. THE BUILDING OF TENSION
A conflict begins when a sense of losing something appears, whether that loss is real or only imagined. What does “a sense of loss” mean? Someone has said or done something that has harmed us in some way — either wounded our dignity and reputation, or irritated us, or we have lost something — whatever it may be. Before this, everything between us was fine; there was calm; and now tension has appeared. In other words, we have been “offended.”
We must realize where conflicts come from. Someone has said: “If you get up in the morning and do not run into the devil, it means you are walking in the same direction as he is.” How does Satan work? Through wounded pride. He whispers in our ear: “This person has something against you. He does not respect you.” And when he touches our pride, Proverbs 13:10 is fulfilled:
Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. (Proverbs 13:10)
With every following phase, resolving the conflict becomes harder and harder. The easiest place to deal with a conflict is right here — in its first phase. After that we get “stuck,” and things become more complicated. We may have many reasons to wait, but we must know that the longer we delay, the more the situation will worsen.
Dealing with a conflict begins with acknowledging that it exists. At the start it is like a mosquito bite. All we have to do in that moment is go to the one who has offended us and say: “I feel that something is starting to come between us. Let’s clear it up…” Notice that we have to go in person. You cannot resolve a conflict with a letter or by email.
2. THE DILEMMA OF ROLES
The second phase in the development of a conflict is the dilemma of roles. If the conflict is not resolved at its very inception, it begins to deepen, and an uncertainty arises in us about what our relationship with the person we are in conflict with actually is. We tell ourselves: “I thought we were friends, but was that really so?” As a rule we carry a great many unspoken doubts, but in this phase of the conflict our uncertainty about the nature of our relationship increases drastically.
In the first two stages we ask ourselves many questions:
- What happened?
- Why did he say this and that?
- Doesn’t he realize that his actions toward me are unjust? After the second stage the questions come to an end. The decision has been made and the “arming and preparation for war” begins.
3. THE GATHERING OF GRIEVANCES
In this phase of the conflict we begin to compile a list of the bad things this person has done to us. It is like collecting ammunition for war. We recall all the other person’s wrong steps — everything he has wronged us with — so that we can use them against him. At this stage we stop talking and perhaps begin to talk with a third party. This is an enormous mistake, because it complicates and deepens the conflict. When more people are drawn into the conflict, it grows and turns from a private matter into a public one. This is precisely why it is so important that the ties of gossip in the church be broken.
This phase of the conflict continues until the moment when one of the sides decides that it has gathered enough “bullets” to win. At the same time each side tries to excuse itself, to justify its actions and, if possible, to shift all the blame onto the other.
In the first two stages we are focused on specific actions and words; in the third we already begin to attack the person himself — not only what he has done, but who he is.
4. OPEN CONFRONTATION
At this stage the “battle” begins. This is the great quarrel. Sometimes one of the participants in the conflict can be taken by surprise. When we do not know how we have hurt or offended the other person, and he has been harboring it in his heart for a long time, for us the conflict can begin right here.
In open confrontation we fire off all our bullets at once. It is like the eruption of a volcano. Things get mentioned that may have nothing to do with the original conflict. The opponent simply attacks and we counterattack. It does not matter how the war started. It has to be won… This phase usually ends with lasting and severe damage. The situation is “like after a war.”
5. THE READJUSTMENT OF BEHAVIOR
The readjustment of a relationship can happen in two ways:
- Unhealthy — divorce, leaving the church, ending the relationship, and so on.
- Healthy — clearing things up, apologizing, seeking new ways to work together. A conflict can even be something good, because it can lead to new, positive decisions. Beyond that, it can help us to adapt or adjust to one another so that from now on things between us go much more smoothly.
PRINCIPLES FOR RESTORING RELATIONSHIPS
1. THE PRINCIPLE OF MUTUAL BELONGING
- Let us set the problem aside for a moment and affirm that we belong to one another, that we are on the same team.
This principle will help us resolve the dilemma of roles in a positive direction; it will soften our anger and, if necessary, move us to yield and to forgive in order to preserve our relationship.
In Philippians 4:2-3 it says:
2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord. 3 Yes, and I ask you, my true companion, help these women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are in the book of life. (Philippians 4:2-3)
Clearly there had been some falling-out, quarrel, or conflict between Euodia and Syntyche. But the Apostle Paul reminds them that they are first of all sisters in the faith, and then also co-workers in the cause of the gospel. They had been part of Paul’s team, and hostility between them would hardly serve the success of their common cause.
When we are in conflict, we must never forget the things that bind us together — that we are of one family, that we have the same Heavenly Father, that we were redeemed from sin with the same precious blood, that we have the same common goal — the advance of God’s kingdom, that we are parts of one and the same body — the church, whose head is our Lord Jesus Christ. Knowing that we belong to one another, we take a position from which we can more easily resolve the conflict between us. Our true opponent is not our brother or sister, or our spouse, but the adversary of our souls and those who serve him.
2. THE PRINCIPLE OF THE FOUR DAYS
- We must deal with the problem as soon as possible, with four days as the outer limit.
Of course this does not mean that we should wait for the four days to pass, but that we should not allow delay. Many of the things we say and do create tension. The point is not to wait until they “start to stink,” but to resolve them quickly. A conflict is resolved most quickly and painlessly while it is fresh, while it is still at its very beginning. The idea of the four days comes from John 11:39, where, when Jesus tells the Jews to move the stone from Lazarus’ tomb, his sister Martha objects:
“Take away the stone,” he said. “But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.” (John 11:39)
Applied to conflicts, this means that if we do not deal with the problem in as short a time as possible, it will begin to destroy and decay (perhaps irreversibly) our relationships. In a positive light, in Ephesians 4:26-27 the Apostle Paul urges us:
26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26-27)
To deal with a conflict we must make a plan for a conversation. In Matthew 5:23-24 it says:
23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. 25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary… (Matthew 5:23-25)
Here Jesus tells us that we must be ready to take the initiative regardless of whether we are the guilty party or the injured one. Conflicts are not resolved automatically, nor do they resolve themselves. A deliberate conversation is needed. When? Right away! The longer we wait, the harder it will be for us.
3. THE PRINCIPLE OF THE FIRST WORD
- The first word about the conflict must be directed to the one who has irritated, embittered, or offended us, and not to our spouse or some close friend of ours.
This is the Lord’s command in Matthew 18:15:
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. (Matthew 18:15)
The first word must be directed to the one who has wronged us, and not to someone else! Sadly, we do exactly the opposite. If someone offends us, we immediately share it with someone who “understands us.” We do it to “get relief.” But in reality we do it out of selfishness. If we keep this principle, however, it will limit the growth of the conflict and prevent it from turning from a conflict between two into a conflict between three, a conflict between families, between neighbors, or even between churches.
When we go to the meeting, it is very important to attack the problem, not the person. If we are going to accuse, it is better not to go to the meeting at all. We cannot change people, only their behavior. Moreover, when a person’s dignity is wounded, he is more inclined to defend himself than to act constructively. When we talk, we must be careful not to be sarcastic, not to use hurtful words, but only what builds up. In Ephesians 4:29 it says:
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)
4. THE PRINCIPLE OF A COMMON LANGUAGE
Many conflicts are born because it is as if we are speaking different languages. We have said something and the person across from us took it as an insult, when we had no intention of hurting him. Therefore:
- We must not assume that the person we are in conflict with thinks the same thing we do. We must explain our motives and clarify what we meant by our words.
What will help us in the process of resolving the conflict is to put ourselves in the other person’s place. When we are angry, we think only of ourselves, but God wants us to think of others and their feelings too. In James 1:19 the apostle puts it very practically:
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, (James 1:19)
This principle encourages us to listen to one another, to let our opponent express his opinion and position clearly. It is possible that when we clarify our intentions, our relationship will smooth out automatically and the conflict between us will be resolved. Speaking “the same language” eases communication and increases the understanding between us. One of the benefits of a conflict is that in the process of resolving it we come to know one another better.
5. THE PRINCIPLE OF GETTING OUT OF THE TUNNEL
When we are angry, we reach a kind of “tunnel vision” — we see only one way out, and usually it is the most wrong one. Therefore,
- we must try to get out of the confinement of the “tunnel” and see that there is more than one possibility for resolving the conflict.
During a conflict there are always two main priorities — preserving the relationship and achieving one’s goals. With respect to these two, there are five possibilities:
- For the sake of the importance of our goals, to be ready to sacrifice our relationship;
- To give up on achieving our goals for the sake of preserving our relationship;
- To sacrifice both the relationship and our goals, just to avoid the conflict;
- To reach some compromise both with respect to our goals and with respect to our relationship — to sacrifice part of them, but also to achieve part of them;
- Through cooperation and partnership, to find a solution that satisfies both sides. In this way we can both achieve our goals and preserve our relationship.
Each of these responses may be reasonable in different situations, so we must weigh things well and see which of them is best suited to the given case.
6. THE PRINCIPLE OF THE WILL
A will is a person’s last testament — only it matters, not what came before it.
- Once we have resolved the conflict, let us forget it and remember only the last words we said to one another.
This will help us to be like God — not only to forgive, but to forgive and forget. In this way our relationship with that person will be able to be truly restored.